ADHD and Unintended Intensity
By Dana Rayburn, Adult ADD Coach

ADDed Success Is The Monthly Online Ezine for Adults with
ADHD from ADHD Coach Dana Rayburn.

Welcome to ADDed Success!
Has this ever happened to you? If you're an adult with ADHD it probably has.

You're explaining something to someone; simply trying to make a point. Yet the
person to whom you're speaking reacts as though you're angry. As though
you've blasted him with a fire hose. Surprised by his strong reaction, suddenly
you're caught in a tense situation.

Unintended Intensity. That's what I call it. ADHD puts us at risk of coming
across as intense or upset when we aren't.

We usually haven't a clue of the force of our incredibly strong flow of energy and
thought. After all, how can we tune in to our impact on others when we are
unaware of our intensity?

Just to be clear, what I call Unintended Intensity is different from emotional
intensity, which is over-reaction caused by feeling misunderstood or out of
place. An equally challenging yet different topic than what we're talking about
today.

Unintended Intensity usually occurs while we're focusing hard on something
(internally intense) when we come in contact with another person.

For example, we're engrossed (hyper-focused) in a project or frustrated by
something we're doing when someone interrupts us. Bam! The full force of our
internal drive hits the poor soul.

So what can you do to control your Unintended Intensity?

As with many things ADHD, awareness is the important first step to dealing
with the situation. You need to key in to your brand of Unintended Intensity,
notice how you feel when you're at risk and realize what you're doing when it
tends to strike.

Become aware of your warning signs so next time an interruption or interaction
occurs you can take a deep breath and turn down the volume of your internal
power.

With time and practice you can build this awareness muscle. But what about
until you do?

When you come on too strong and the other person reacts to your blast, take a
deep breath and apologize. Saying "I'm sorry" has as much power as your
Unintended Intensity. The power to calm a tense situation.

The Last Word
In April Scott and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. And I can
honestly say for the all years we've been together my Unintended Intensity has
caused the most heartburn in our relationship.

Scott is a calm, gentle soul. He's rarely riled. Even so, when blasted with the full
force of my internal drive he recoils and fires back.

I'm working on it, and I think I'm doing better. One thing I've learned in the
past 20 years is the power of saying "I'm sorry, I came across too strong. I
sound really intense about this, but I'm not".

Scott's gotten better at understanding there's no firepower behind my blasts.
Still, as a calm, controlled person deep down he doesn't truly grasp how
someone can be so unaware.

He was attracted to me by my passion for life. My Unintended Intensity is the
down side of that passion.

Give us time. We still have another 50 or so years of marriage to work it out.

To Your ADDed Success,
Dana

PS - Speaking of Scott, he's started a tasty new blog about how to become a
good public speaker and he's getting rave reviews. You can check it out at
http://www.presentationcoach.com. When you see it you'll know why I'm so
proud of him! And yes, the artwork is his, too.